Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
