i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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