I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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