that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
