i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
