he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
