I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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