i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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