I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
