The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
