I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
