It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
