Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
