I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
