I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
