just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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