I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
