My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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