The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
