Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Can I color on your dick again?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
