My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
