i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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