my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
