Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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