so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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