She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
