I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
