My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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