the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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