how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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