I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
