the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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