In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
