Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
