I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
