Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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