just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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