Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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