I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
