I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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