I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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