I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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