Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
