so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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