so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
