just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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