It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
