Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
