I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
