This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
