just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I love black thongs
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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