The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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