Tell her she can't have a vagina
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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