I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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