the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
