My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize