I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
