You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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