Where did you get a picture of my penis
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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