Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
