Tell her she can't have a vagina
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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