So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We need to get me chipped asap
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize