when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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