ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
