everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
